video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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