If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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