Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
