Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
