a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
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