My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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