Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
