If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
