Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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