bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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