Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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