Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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