party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
