first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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