You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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