What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
