I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
