Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
