Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
handjob tips. give me some.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
