uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
