Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My hand turned me down
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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