He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
me + whiskey = a bad person
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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