she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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