I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
