I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
