My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
