I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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