what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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