Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
