Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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