My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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