Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
We are two peas in an std pod
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
