Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
