I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
