I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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