No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
