Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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