She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
