Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
