Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
