just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
