I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
