Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
