I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
