He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
