Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
