Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
