I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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