need another drink. this is the easiest way
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
