____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
